Dear Claudette (Agony Aunt Column)

Dear Claudette,

I am a Christian woman living in Northamptonshire - England. Recently a family member offended me slightly.

This person is not even aware that she has offended me and I don't know how to tell her that she has annoyed me because she is much older than I am and may begin to argue rather than take my feedback on board.

The issue is that this relative of mine is a bit ungrateful. On several occasions I have given her gifts and she either mutters a half hearted 'thank you' or she sends me a text message.

I think if someone receives a fair amount of money unexpectedly he or she should have the courtesy to pick up the phone and ring to say 'thank you' rather than send a casual text message! This hurts as I have often made a lot of sacrifices in order to be able to give those gifts to her.

I know the bible says that we should look unto God to reward us for our good deeds, but I suspect that this family member's behaviour may make me reluctant to help her in the near future.

I have forgiven her but I don't want to be taken for granted like this anymore. Please, tell me, what do I do?

God bless,
Anonymous Sister

*** Inspired Response *** 

Dear Anonymous Sister,

Thank you for your letter which I read with great interest. I have been prayerful and trust that you will find the response helpful. I cannot tell you what to do as that decision ultimately has to be yours but I would like to help broaden your thinking and support you so that you can start resolving this matter which is causing you so much concern. 

What are your reasons for giving the gifts? Obligation/duty; were you asked for them; are they really needed; does giving them make you personally feel good, or are you acting out of pure love and generosity? I suspect that the answer to this may give you an insight into why you are feeling as you are. 

It seems that you’ve only recently become offended but you have been giving gifts for sometime. What has changed? Have your circumstances become more difficult and so gift-giving is not as easy and now as a result, your expectation of gratitude has increased? 

You indicate that you do receive thanks for your gifts but obviously you are not satisfied with the way in which your acts are acknowledged. Is it possible that you want this person to feel ‘eternally grateful’ to you?  Have you considered that this person may be really grateful but could be embarrassed at finding themselves in this position? As far as you are aware, are your gifts well-used or are they being wasted? Obviously if the gifts are wasted then it is not advisable to continue giving them. 

The Bible indeed advises us to give without the expectation of receiving. Sometimes that seems hard to accept in our flesh. We need to check ourselves because we receive gifts/rewards - no matter how small, everyday from God - the gift of Life being the greatest example. Do we thank Him all the time? We take it for granted that we will awake each day. Yet despite our 'occasional gratitude', God continues to shower us with more gifts.

It is not a given that we will receive a reward from the person that we help, it may come from some place else entirely (Psalm 147:14 “He maketh peace in thy borders and filleth thee with the finest of wheat”). 

I can only imagine your discomfort in this situation but I would encourage you to take a step back and look at the reasons as to why you are at this place in your heart at the moment. Be prayerful; ask someone you trust to pray with you and for you.  

You say that the recipient is not aware of how you feel and this could be because a culture of expectation and dependency has developed. This is why I asked earlier what your reasons are for giving the gifts? Someone being older than you does not give them the right to treat you badly and at some point, it may be necessary to make them aware of the impact of their behaviour. Steps can be explored as to how to get the message across without being disrespectul. 

I would recommend that you pray and thank the Lord that in spite of hardship you have been able to give to others. Thank Him for your blessings and ask Him to lighten your heart and help you to release the negative feelings that you are experiencing right now. Ask Him to give you peace. Ask Him to enlighten the mind and heart of the person with whom you are feeling a little annoyed. This is the beginning of the journey towards a resolution. 

I hope that this rather lengthy response will help you to turn this situation around. You can write to me again through the Newsletter Editor if you would like my continued support while you work this through.    

God Bless you. Claudette